I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
