Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
