I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
