Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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