I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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