Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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