my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
