I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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