your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
