You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
