I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize