my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
