break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
