I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize