Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
