im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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