nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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