had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Randomize
