i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
