i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
