In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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