it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
its liver damage thursday
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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