Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
