love makes seman taste better
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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