how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
