I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
