It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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