I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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