I wish I could teleport
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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