you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
