I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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