I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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