Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
