I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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