Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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