I wish I could punch you in the face.
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
