I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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