My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
