you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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