We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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