I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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