Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
