I think I won the penis lottery.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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