fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I can't turn off my feet"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize