Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
