Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
my liver is dry heaving
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
