Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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