I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
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