The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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