jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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