ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm both gender and math confused
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
