Too much gin, very little bucket
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
