i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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